Saturday, February 20, 2010
I realized that it has been months since I last blogged. I feel like the world has been revolving around me so much lately that I didn't have anything to even blog about. I have been debating whether or not to blog about what's been going on in mine and Randys life and I have come to the conclusion that 1. Everyone that reads my blog already knows and 2. If they don't, maybe someone will stumble across this entry when they are at their wits end and my words will be an encouragement.
Randy and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year now. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS about six months ago. It is a reproductive endocrine disorder that means my ovaries are stupid. Instead of one egg maturing during ovulation, I have many immature eggs that never reach their full potential and end up at cysts and cause me pain. It's the leading cause of infertility and as many as 1 out 10 women have it. Even though I have PCOS, I am blessed in the fact that I do not have near the symptoms as other women with it have to face. I am still at high risk for insulin resistance, ovarian/uterine cancer, metabolic syndrome, and miscarriages.
When I went to the Dr.'s after not having a period for six months, I figured he would give me some meds to kick start my period, and I'd go on with life. Instead, it turned into a discussion about infertility. It's a punch in the gut. There's no other way to describe it. I remember thinking about what I was going to tell Randy, that I may never give him children, or telling Sydney that I may not be able to give her another sibling, or telling my parents that I may not be able to make them grandparents.
Most womens first ultrasound is of there baby, mine was of my ovaries. Randy couldn't be there because of work so mom showed up to be there for me. My ovaries looked like honeycomb because of all the small cysts. I just told myself to stay strong because if I let go I would be admitting that there was something wrong and I would be failing so many people.
I got a call a few days later confirming that I have PCOS and they were going to start me on Provera and Clomid to make me ovulate. I went through ten days of hell on the Provera. It made me lose chunks of my hair, my acne was at its worse, my hormones were all over the place, I was so dizzy I had to stop drawing blood. Then came the Clomid. Let me just say this women...menopause really is as awful as they say. The hot flashes are so miserable you can't even function. It's embarassing when your 22 years old and sweating through your clothes, they drain you of all your energy, they make you panic because you feel like your blood is boiling, you can't even think about sleeping, I swear, it even fries your memory...need I continue?! It's a love/hate relationship.
Every month I get a progesterone level drawn to tell me if I ovulated or not. (I can't use ovulation kits or basal temp charting because they give PCOS-ers false readings) I think that's been the worse part; the going through everything with the medication, the hoping and trying, and then you just wait...Dr's like to see the progesterone level be around 12-15 for medicated ovulation. The first few months mine were 0.5-0.7, that's a slap in the face. It's awful. It feels like FAILURE is stamped on your forehead.
If anyone reads this who is going through infertility, I pray that you know God. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this experience would be if I didn't have God and Randy for a husband. Whether you know why or don't know why you can't have children, I'm so sorry you have to go through it. I know how I feel, but I don't know how you feel and I never will. I think infertility is handled differently by every person and all I can do is sympathize. I know when I'm at church and I see a mom holding her infant and swaying to the worship music that my entire body aches, and my arms get heavy, or when I'm at a store and a mother is being ruthless to her child, I feel anger like I have never felt before, or every time I pay a dr.'s bill out of pocket that won't go towards our deductible that I think how cruel our society is to allow insurances to pay for abortions, but not infertility treatments, I know that the love I have for Randy now cannot even compare to the day I married him, he was a stranger compared to now. He has not one time made me feel guilty, or gotten upset with me when my emotions are off the chart, or made me feel like I have failed as a wife...that I just bring on myself ;)
Randy and I decided last month that we would try one more time before taking a break. A couple days ago I got a call with my progesterone level and I wasn't even going to answer the phone because I just mentally could not take one more failure. I said a quick prayer and I felt Hope. I answered it, and the nurse said that not only did I ovulate, I ovulated a few eggs! I have never been so proud of myself! This means that we found the right dosage and regimine of medications and will try the same thing again. I ask for continued prayers because I have a high risk of miscarrying and a high risk for a multiple pregnancy. I'm still struggling with knowing whether or not I'm doing the right thing in risking a life or lives. I pray that someone will come across this entry one day when they simply need to know they are not the only one. I love everyone who has turned this into a group effort, and we can't imagine doing it without you!